Why It's Important to Tell Your Child
When a family member is diagnosed with a serious illness, it's natural to want to protect your child from worry and pain. However, children are often more aware than we realize, and they can sense when something is wrong. Not telling them can lead to confusion, fear, and anxiety.
Being honest with your child, in an age-appropriate way, helps them understand what's happening, reduces their anxiety, and allows them to process their feelings. It also builds trust and helps them feel included in the family during a difficult time.
Age-Appropriate Approaches
Young Children (Ages 3-6)
- • Use simple, concrete language
- • Explain that someone in the family is sick and needs special care
- • Reassure them that they are safe and loved
- • Use familiar concepts (like when they get sick and need medicine)
- • Keep explanations brief and answer questions as they come
- • Avoid euphemisms that might confuse them
School-Age Children (Ages 7-12)
- • Provide more detailed information about the illness
- • Explain what treatment involves in simple terms
- • Discuss how the illness might affect daily life
- • Answer questions honestly and directly
- • Help them understand that it's okay to have feelings about it
- • Reassure them that they didn't cause the illness
Teens (Ages 13+)
- • Provide detailed, accurate information about the illness
- • Discuss treatment options and what to expect
- • Include them in family discussions when appropriate
- • Acknowledge the seriousness while maintaining hope
- • Encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings
- • Respect their need for privacy and space to process
How to Have the Conversation
Choose the Right Time and Place
- • Pick a quiet, private place where you won't be interrupted
- • Choose a time when your child is calm and not rushed
- • Make sure you have enough time to answer questions
- • Consider having both parents present if possible
- • Avoid having the conversation right before bedtime
Be Honest but Age-Appropriate
- • Use the actual name of the illness when appropriate
- • Explain what it means in terms they can understand
- • Be honest about what you know and what you don't know
- • Avoid making promises you can't keep
- • Don't lie or hide the truth, but filter information appropriately
Use Simple, Clear Language
- • Avoid medical jargon and complex terms
- • Use analogies that children can relate to
- • Break information into small, manageable pieces
- • Check for understanding by asking what they heard
- • Be prepared to repeat information as needed
Reassure and Support
- • Reassure them that they are loved and will be cared for
- • Emphasize that they didn't cause the illness
- • Let them know it's okay to have feelings about it
- • Explain that doctors and medical teams are helping
- • Maintain routines and normalcy as much as possible
What to Expect from Your Child's Reactions
Common Emotional Reactions
- • Fear and anxiety about the future and what might happen
- • Sadness and grief about the changes
- • Anger about the situation or changes in routine
- • Guilt (children may think they caused the illness)
- • Confusion about what's happening
- • Worry about their own health or other family members
Behavioral Changes
- • Regression to earlier behaviors (bedwetting, thumb-sucking)
- • Changes in sleep or eating patterns
- • Acting out or becoming more clingy
- • Withdrawal from activities or friends
- • Difficulty concentrating at school
- • Asking the same questions repeatedly
Normal Responses
It's important to remember that these reactions are normal and expected. Children process difficult information differently than adults, and their responses may come and go. Be patient and understanding as they work through their feelings.
- • Children may seem fine one moment and upset the next
- • They may not show their feelings immediately
- • They may ask questions at unexpected times
- • They may need information repeated multiple times
Supporting Your Child Through This Time
Keep Communication Open
- • Check in regularly about how they're feeling
- • Answer questions honestly as they come up
- • Create opportunities for them to talk when they're ready
- • Listen without judgment or trying to fix everything
- • Let them know it's okay to have mixed feelings
Maintain Routines
- • Keep regular schedules as much as possible
- • Continue with school, activities, and normal routines
- • Maintain consistent rules and expectations
- • Provide stability and predictability
- • Routines help children feel secure during uncertain times
Provide Age-Appropriate Involvement
- • Let children help in ways that are appropriate for their age
- • Allow them to make cards, drawings, or small gestures
- • Include them in visits when appropriate and safe
- • Give them choices about how they want to participate
- • Don't force involvement if they're not ready
Seek Additional Support
- • Consider professional counseling or therapy for your child
- • Look for support groups for children dealing with family illness
- • Connect with school counselors or social workers
- • Reach out to family and friends for support
- • Take care of your own emotional needs so you can support your child
Common Questions Children Ask
"Will they die?"
Be honest but age-appropriate. For young children, you might say, "The doctors are doing everything they can to help them get better." For older children, you can be more direct while maintaining hope. Focus on what's being done to help and that you'll keep them informed.
"Did I cause this?"
Reassure them clearly and directly that they did not cause the illness. Explain that illnesses happen for many reasons, but nothing they did or said caused it. This is especially important for young children who may have magical thinking.
"Will I get sick too?"
Explain that most serious illnesses are not contagious and they won't get sick from being around the person. If the illness is genetic, be honest but reassuring. Help them understand the difference between contagious and non-contagious illnesses.
"Who will take care of me?"
Reassure them that they will always be cared for. Explain who will be taking care of them and how routines will be maintained. Let them know that even though things might change, they are loved and will be safe.
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider seeking professional help if your child:
- • Shows persistent signs of depression or anxiety
- • Has significant changes in behavior that last for weeks
- • Withdraws from friends and activities for an extended period
- • Has trouble sleeping or eating for more than a few weeks
- • Shows signs of self-harm or talks about wanting to die
- • Has difficulty functioning at school or home
- • Expresses overwhelming guilt or responsibility for the illness
A child therapist, counselor, or social worker can help your child process their feelings and develop healthy coping strategies during this difficult time.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: Should I wait until I have all the information before telling my child?
A: No, it's usually better to tell your child sooner rather than later, even if you don't have all the answers. Children can sense when something is wrong, and waiting can increase their anxiety. You can share what you know now and update them as you learn more. It's okay to say, "We don't know yet, but we'll tell you when we find out."
Q: What if my child doesn't seem to understand or react?
A: Children process difficult information differently. Some may not react immediately, while others may seem to understand but need information repeated. Some may ask questions right away, while others may need time to process. Be patient, check in regularly, and be prepared to have multiple conversations. Their understanding and reactions may change over time.
Q: Should I tell my child if the prognosis is poor?
A: This is a very personal decision that depends on your child's age, maturity, and the specific situation. Generally, it's important to be honest while maintaining hope. You can acknowledge the seriousness while focusing on what's being done to help. For older children and teens, being more direct may be appropriate. Consider consulting with a child therapist or counselor for guidance on how to approach this conversation.
Q: How do I balance being honest with protecting my child from worry?
A: You can be honest while being age-appropriate. Share information that's appropriate for your child's age and developmental level. You don't need to share every detail, but avoid lying or hiding major information. Focus on what they need to know to understand the situation, and reassure them about their safety and care. Being honest builds trust and helps them feel included.
Q: What if I'm struggling with my own emotions? How can I support my child?
A: It's normal and okay to have your own emotions about the situation. In fact, showing appropriate emotions can help your child understand that it's okay to have feelings. However, if you're overwhelmed, it's important to get support for yourself so you can support your child. Consider counseling, support groups, or talking with trusted friends or family. Taking care of yourself is essential for being able to care for your child.
Key Takeaways
Be Honest
Share information in an age-appropriate, honest way
Reassure
Let them know they're loved, safe, and will be cared for
Keep Talking
Maintain open communication and answer questions as they come
⚠️ Important Note
This article provides general information and is not intended to replace professional medical, mental health, or parenting advice. Every family situation is unique. If you need guidance on how to talk to your child about a serious illness, consider consulting with your child's pediatrician, a child therapist, or a social worker who specializes in supporting families dealing with serious illness.