Understanding Teen Communication
During this period, teens spend much of the day outside the home — at school or at after-school activities or jobs and with their friends. But it's important to try to talk with your teen every day to share opinions, ideas, and information.
Communication with teenagers can be challenging as they seek independence and establish their own identity. However, maintaining open, respectful dialogue is crucial for their development and your relationship.
Understanding how teens communicate and what they need from you can help you build stronger connections during these important years.
Communicating With Your Teen
Effective communication with teenagers requires patience, understanding, and the right approach. Here are practical tips to help you communicate better with your teen:
⏰Make Time During the Day or Evening
Set aside dedicated time to hear about your teen's activities. Be sure that he or she knows you are actively interested and listening carefully.
- • Schedule regular check-ins, even if brief
- • Put away distractions (phone, TV) during conversations
- • Show genuine interest in what they're sharing
- • Be present and give your full attention
- • Create a safe space for open dialogue
💬Remember to Talk With Your Teen, Not At Them
Communication is a two-way street. Avoid lecturing or talking down to your teen. Instead, engage in genuine dialogue where both parties can share and listen.
❌ Avoid:
- • Monologues and lectures
- • Interrupting when they speak
- • Dismissing their opinions
- • Talking down to them
✅ Do:
- • Ask for their perspective
- • Listen without judgment
- • Validate their feelings
- • Engage in mutual dialogue
❓Ask Questions That Go Beyond "Yes" or "No"
Open-ended questions prompt more developed conversation and show you're interested in their thoughts and experiences.
Instead of "How was school?" try:
- • "What was the most interesting thing you learned today?"
- • "Tell me about something that challenged you today."
- • "What's something that made you laugh or smile?"
- • "How did you feel about [specific event or class]?"
- • "What are you looking forward to this week?"
🚗Take Advantage of Time During Car Trips
Car rides can be perfect opportunities for conversation. The side-by-side setting (rather than face-to-face) can feel less confrontational and more comfortable for teens.
- • Use drive time to check in about their day
- • Discuss current events or topics of interest
- • Listen to their music and ask about it
- • Share stories from your own teen years
- • Keep the atmosphere relaxed and non-judgmental
🎯Make Time for Activities and Events
Show interest in your teen's life by participating in their activities and being present at important events.
Sporting Events
Attend games, matches, and competitions
School Events
Plays, concerts, presentations, parent-teacher conferences
Play Games
Board games, video games, or activities they enjoy
Also make time to talk about current events, which can lead to meaningful discussions about values, worldviews, and important topics.
Vocabulary and Communication Development
Teens essentially communicate as adults, with increasing maturity throughout high school. Their language skills become more sophisticated, and they develop the ability to understand and use complex language forms.
Understanding Abstract and Figurative Language
By this age, teens comprehend abstract and figurative language, including:
Idioms
Expressions with meanings beyond literal words:
- • "Hit the nail on the head"
- • "On thin ice"
- • "See eye to eye"
- • "Break the ice"
Similes
Comparisons using "like" or "as":
- • "Tough as nails"
- • "Clean as a whistle"
- • "Strong as an ox"
- • "Quick as lightning"
Metaphors
Direct comparisons without "like" or "as":
- • "She's a night owl"
- • "That place was a zoo"
- • "Time is money"
- • "Life is a journey"
Explanations may become more figurative and less literal as teens develop more sophisticated communication skills.
Advanced Language Skills
Teens should be able to:
Grasp Word Meanings
Understand context, nuance, and multiple meanings of words
Understand Punctuation
Use punctuation correctly to convey meaning and tone
Form Complex Structures
Create sophisticated sentence structures and syntax
Communication Beyond Words
Communication is more than the use and understanding of words, though — it also includes how teens think of themselves, their peers, and authority figures.
Identity Development
As teens seek independence from family and establish their own identity, they begin thinking abstractly and become concerned with moral issues.
Abstract Thinking
All of this shapes the way they think and communicate, leading to more complex, nuanced conversations.
When Should We Get Help?
Stay in Communication with Teachers
Have ongoing communication with your teen's teachers about overall language skills and progress. Regular check-ins help identify any concerns early.
- • Attend parent-teacher conferences
- • Ask about written and verbal communication skills
- • Discuss participation in class discussions
- • Inquire about reading comprehension and writing abilities
- • Share any concerns you have at home
Language-Based Learning Disabilities
If teachers suspect a language-based learning disability, comprehensive testing will be necessary. This can include:
Hearing Test
To rule out hearing issues that could affect communication
Psychoeducational Assessment
Standardized testing to assess learning style and cognitive processes
Speech-Language Evaluation
Comprehensive evaluation of speech and language skills
Specific Communication Problems
A teen with a specific communication problem, such as stuttering, should be referred to the school speech-language pathologist (an expert who evaluates and treats speech and language disorders).
Signs That May Need Attention:
- • Persistent stuttering or speech disfluencies
- • Difficulty expressing thoughts clearly
- • Problems understanding complex instructions
- • Challenges with reading comprehension
- • Writing difficulties
- • Social communication challenges
Vocal Quality Problems
Vocal-quality problems such as hoarseness, breathiness, or raspiness may need a medical evaluation by an otolaryngologist (an ear, nose, and throat specialist). But in most cases, language problems have been found before this age.
When to See a Specialist:
- • Persistent hoarseness or voice changes
- • Chronic throat clearing
- • Voice fatigue or loss of voice
- • Pain when speaking
- • Difficulty being heard in normal conversation
When Communication Challenges Go Beyond Normal Teen Behavior
Parents often feel that the teen years are a time of difficult communication, when it's normal for teens to challenge parents and resist authority. But behavior that causes severe disruption in the household may not be normal teen rebellion.
Red Flags:
- • Complete refusal to communicate
- • Aggressive or violent behavior
- • Severe withdrawal from family
- • Persistent lying or manipulation
- • Behavior that significantly disrupts family functioning
If you feel that your relationship is particularly trying, talk about it with your doctor. They can help determine if additional support, such as family therapy or counseling, might be beneficial.
Additional Tips for Better Communication
Choose the Right Time
- • Avoid important conversations when either of you is stressed or tired
- • Find moments when your teen seems open to talking
- • Don't force conversations when they're clearly not in the mood
Listen Actively
- • Give your full attention when they're speaking
- • Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions
- • Reflect back what you hear to show understanding
Respect Their Perspective
- • Validate their feelings, even if you don't agree
- • Acknowledge their growing independence
- • Show respect for their opinions and ideas
Set Clear Boundaries
- • Communicate expectations clearly and consistently
- • Explain the reasoning behind rules
- • Be open to negotiation on appropriate topics
Use Technology Wisely
- • Text messages can be a good way to check in
- • Set boundaries around device use during conversations
- • Use technology to stay connected, not replace face-to-face time
Be Patient
- • Understand that teens process information differently
- • Give them time to think before responding
- • Don't expect immediate compliance or agreement
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: My teen barely talks to me. Is this normal?
A: Yes, it's common for teens to be less communicative with parents as they seek independence and spend more time with peers. However, it's still important to maintain connection. Try to find activities you can do together, use car rides for conversation, and be available when they do want to talk. If communication completely breaks down or you're concerned, consider talking to a counselor or your pediatrician.
Q: How do I know if my teen has a communication problem versus just being a typical teenager?
A: Typical teen behavior includes some withdrawal and less communication with parents. However, signs of a communication problem may include:
- • Difficulty expressing thoughts clearly
- • Problems understanding complex instructions
- • Challenges with reading or writing
- • Social communication difficulties with peers
- • Persistent speech issues (stuttering, articulation problems)
If you're concerned, talk to teachers and consider an evaluation by a speech-language pathologist.
Q: My teen only communicates through text messages. Is this okay?
A: Texting can be a valid form of communication, especially for teens who may feel more comfortable expressing themselves in writing. However, it shouldn't completely replace face-to-face conversations. Try to find a balance - use texting to stay connected, but also make time for in-person conversations. Set boundaries around device use during family time and meals.
Q: How can I get my teen to open up about their feelings?
A: Creating a safe, non-judgmental environment is key:
- • Don't force conversations - let them come to you
- • Listen without immediately offering advice or solutions
- • Validate their feelings, even if you don't understand them
- • Share your own experiences when appropriate
- • Be patient - they may need time to process before sharing
- • Avoid overreacting or being critical
Q: What should I do if my teen is disrespectful when communicating?
A: Set clear boundaries about respectful communication:
- • Calmly address disrespectful behavior immediately
- • Model respectful communication yourself
- • Explain that you can disagree without being disrespectful
- • Set consequences for continued disrespect
- • Try to understand what's behind the disrespect - are they struggling with something?
If disrespect is persistent and severe, consider family therapy or counseling.
Q: My teen seems to understand everything but struggles with writing. Should I be concerned?
A: Some teens have strong verbal communication skills but struggle with written expression. This could indicate a learning difference or writing disorder. Talk to your teen's teachers about their writing skills and consider an evaluation if there are significant concerns. Early intervention and support can help address writing challenges.
Q: How much should I push my teen to communicate with me?
A: Balance is key. You want to stay connected and be available, but pushing too hard can backfire and cause your teen to withdraw further. Make yourself available, show interest in their life, and create opportunities for conversation, but respect when they need space. Let them know you're there when they're ready to talk, and try to find activities you can enjoy together that naturally lead to conversation.
Key Takeaways
Talk With, Not At
Engage in two-way dialogue, listen actively, and respect your teen's perspective
Make Time
Create opportunities for conversation through activities, car rides, and shared interests
Stay Connected
Maintain open communication with teachers and seek help if concerns arise
⚠️ Important Note
This article provides general information about communication with 13- to 18-year-olds and is not intended to replace professional medical, psychological, or educational advice. Every teen is different, and communication challenges can vary widely. If you have concerns about your teen's communication skills, behavior, or your relationship, always consult with your pediatrician, a mental health professional, or educational specialist. Early intervention and support can make a significant difference.